identity

the pacing and writing style were engaging. the rhythm, the cadence of dialogue without quotations melding into exposition.

the story wove back and forth in time, constantly. it was really a series of scenes. at the beginning of each chapter we would jump forward a few months, but when the scene was over, we would skip backward a few days or weeks to a moment that related to the opening scene we just finished. it was hard to follow exactly the chronology, but that also didn't matter very much.

to be blunt, the plot was mediocre. it was a story about lovers, almost a love story. it could have been written very different, with the same plot, and been a love story. but as it was, it was more a "character study" I suppose.

sometimes there were scenes or passages dropped in that weren't super relevant, but revealed an interesting perspective or observation from the author. surprisingly, I enjoyed them, and didn't find them too preachy. 

I enjoyed the vignettes through which sally rooney described complex interpersonal relationships. one relationship was marianne and peggy's close yet slightly toxic friendship. peggy squirreled her way into marianne's life, staying late, taking up her time. and then when they were with other friends, she would say things that felt like bullying. everyone could see this, which is why their friends would laugh a little extra at marianne's jokes. afterwards, peggy would sidle up to marianne and say she didn't mean anything by it. and it would happen all over again. again, it wasn't about what happened between them, but about the small actions by peggy that would evoke certain feelings from marianne. rooney' writing strayed closer to "tell" than to "show," and yet painted the scene beautifully.

and truly, this book made me crave a "normal" relationship. except, is anyone really "normal"? marianne was devastated because she thought she was so damaged, and at one point connell avoided her because he believed himself to be undamaged. but in the end, their most harmonious state was to love each other in the ways they needed, trauma and baggage be damned.

some passages I highlighted:

"This quality of discernment, she has realized, does not make Lukas a good person. He has managed to nurture a fine artistic sensitivity without ever developing any real sense of right and wrong. The fact that this is even possible unsettles Marianne, and makes art seem pointless suddenly."

I love the distinction between having an opinion, and the implications of that opinion. this particular character's opinions had zero beneficial implications.

"It was culture as class performance, literature fetishized for its ability to take educated people on false emotional journeys, so that they might afterward feel superior to the uneducated people whose emotional journeys they liked to read about. Even if the writer himself was a good person, and even if his book really was insightful, all books were ultimately marketed as status symbols, and all writers participated to some degree in this marketing. Presumably this was how the industry made money. Literature, in the way it appeared at these public readings, had no potential as a form of resistance to anything."

I don't think I've ever seen this type of cynical take on art. I've seen it dismissed as useless, but never as exploitative. ok, so I think it's definitely over dramatic to think of my own personal reading as exploitative — I don't think I'm even close to that point — but this is such a fascinating take that I want to revisit.

"Not for the first time Marianne thinks cruelty does not only hurt the victim, but the perpetrator also, and maybe more deeply and more permanently. You learn nothing very profound about yourself simply by being bullied; but by bullying someone else you learn something you can never forget."

I agree with the first sentence, and with the second. being bullied builds resilience and can reveal to you your strength, your truths. not that I condone bullying. hardship builds character, so we shouldn't avoid or try to erase all challenges in life. but bullying is a particular hardship that we should stamp out — why? perhaps because it's harmful to all parties? so what kind of hardship are acceptable?

(aside and some extra context for this entry: two days ago, brian and I were talking about andrey after I'd met him earlier that day. I asked brian what advice he would give andrey (obviously, having zero primary source exposure) and he asked me how I recommend a person "build depth." I said read, write, talk, repeat. talk is optional. so here's my "write" portion of the cycle, I guess.

I think I want to add "travel" too. you can start as a tourist, there's no shame in it; even seeing new things is good. and then talk to locals. live their lives. do this in your own neighborhood as well. start with wherever excites you.)

quick, jot down some thoughts before bed!

it's been two weeks in the nyc office, which is not long, and socially it hasn't been great. I feel like a wuss. but I also know this is just part of the process of being new and being a singleton without a team. it's going to take extra effort on my part to get integrated. I knew that coming in, but I'm just also really feeling the difficulty right now. the first two in-office days (mondays 6/16 and 6/23) I ate lunch with others, but the rest of the days I've been skipping lunch because no one came to invite me (as atul did on 6/16) and I also couldn't muster up the social willpower/courage/battery to invite myself to lunch (as I did on 6/23).

and it's okay!! well, ok I actually believe in the power of streaks. so I would rather not continue the streak of skipping lunch. it's better for every in-office day to be successful, and if it's not going to be successful day, I might as well not go in. failure begets failure. that's my usual mindset. but, I'm going to be a bit forgiving this time. my social battery has been drained by weekend/evening activities. I'm still new, I can still play the new card, and I can make a plan and go to lunch next week.

but damn, I really miss the golden days of sf. when I would go to office on tuesdays. and daniel would message me for lunch, or a bunch of us would just congregate in the middle of the second floor, or all the women engineers around me (vicky, penny, etc) would stand up for lunch... honestly that's the best, when your neighbors just stand up for lunch haha. I miss team IU, the random coffee walks that would pop up on our calendars. it really felt like a random secondary friend group. shoutout to kenny for being so good at reaching out and organizing. team IU also had a culture of messaging to go to social things (like free ice cream) together — same with ivy. I adore and need that kind of friend.

anyways, I'm still bullish on nyc office! it will take time and some effort, but I will find my people :^)

(also - it's not my first time feeling lonely within a community. I went through this in college. it was bad. I learned how to be alone. and then I learned how to not be alone.)

--

dinner with the NY WIT ladies today, which turned out to be mostly asian women engineers in their 20s now that I think about it.

I ran some of my apartment options and neighborhoods by them, and it was kind of funny (and informative!) to get their collective take. first of all, everyone (like 4 out of 11?) lives in downtown brooklyn. confirming the idea that most notinos live in brooklyn. clara is a notable exception — she's an LIC (and rincon hill in SF) girly. secondly, when I mentioned hell's kitchen, there was an overwhelming "ohhhh noooo" from everyone LOL. except clara, who gave some numbers of streets based on her experience hahah. lincoln square and upper west side got a noise of approval from hanna(h). 

another one of the girls, rachel, had lived in brooklyn heights before. she affirmed the great commute from brooklyn heights to the notion office. and then everyone started sharing cockroach stories. rachel said she saw and killed two during her tenure in BK heights. hanna(h) said she saw one on the 19th floor!! overall the girls recommended not living on the first floor, which is also what I heard from mdai but I thought she was exaggerating.

overall I thought all the WIT gals were cool! everyone was confident and self assured in their own way. everyone contributed to the conversation some amount, and as a whole the girls gave attention to each person. no one dominated too much, at least on my half of the table. karunya is lowkey really comedic, referencing earlier parts of the conversation. mai too, and I was reminded that she spoke up for my intern at calibration. also, a surprising number of them had tattoos (and piercings, and just one with blue hair) — snoopy, flowers, etc.

when I came home, I put in an application for the lincoln square apartment! I was encouraged by a mix of: seeing the listing still up with an open house tomorrow (so it's still available), having come up with a satisfactory floor plan last night (attached at the bottom of this post), and the sentiment from tonight's dinner. there should be no cockroaches in such a clean building, and on the fifth floor. after I submitted the application, I felt really excited! so I think it was the right call. I know I might not get it, but.. I also might!

 [] donate four books at sweet pickle books in exchange for a jar of pickles

super lowkey first day in the NYC office! after ten years, I'm back in a satellite office.

I went to bed around 9:30pm last night so I thought it would be easy to wake up and get to the office around 9am today, but I slept all the way to 9:30am :0 and then after washing up and getting dressed, I was out the door a bit after 10.

atul on the app platform team had reached out a few weeks ago inviting me to join for coffee walk this morning. when I got there, he gathered various eng for coffee, and we all headed over. I met atul's teammates and a few other engineers.

lunch was about an hour later, and my stomach did flip flop a little nervously, despite being pretty seasoned at this first day thing now. I thought it would be impossible for someone to come get me for lunch and hoped for the next best thing, which I can't remember what I thought it would be exactly, because a bit before lunch atul did come invite me to eat together!

we sat down in the old kitchen, and soon other engineers filtered in as well. two engineers from collections came over (sebastian, an intern, and hannah, in a charcoal jacket = joined in 2025), and so did two other (asian female heh) engineers on atul's team. we talked about nyc vs sf forkable and about the financial success of the labubu founder.

and then I was pretty productive, getting out a bunch of small PRs before the weekly meeting at 11am PT, which is usually when my monday begins. around 2pm (ET), I was walking to find a meeting room for the weekly meeting when I ran into madeleine! she's full blonde these days and looks a bit unapproachable, but was actually really sweet and enthusiastic about having me in the ny office! after the meeting she reiterated that she was so happy to have me there, took me to her desk to share a cookie baked by the mail designer, and told me she loves apartment hunting and offered to do viewings for me if I needed :)

the rest of the afternoon I did some more coding, and then took some later meetings (4:30-5:30pm). victor and I jammed on consultant booking data model and he gave me an OK for the overall design.

I ended up working until 7pm, cleaning up PRs and doing some investigations on missing payouts. I made plans for this weds and thurs evening, and also july 2 lunch and july 3 food tour with nepal crew in nyc! also, my landlady texted me chastising me for leaving the apartment less than clean ;(

then I clocked out, and dropped by trader joe's and CVS on the way back. after getting back, I had snack and dinner, and now I'm about to workout with CD.

walking on the streets is just such a dream (and then I take a photo and it looks ass LOL). I actually felt that when I first moved downtown in SF too! eventually the magic wears off a bit.

I made it happen.

packed my life into suitcases, hopped on a plane, and arrived in west village, manhattan.

I love the smell of the city — the petrol, the dampness, the voices echoing in the streets.

I keep telling myself that it's not going to be easy. I'm bracing for the loneliness. and I know that will hit. and yet, as I sat in the taxi from JFK to this apartment, I couldn't help but marvel again at how easy it was. I bought a plane ticket and now I live in new york. in another universe, I moved to nyc right after graduation. in this one, I'm as untethered as a 22-year-old new grad, but have a lot more money and life experience. new grad me would have tried to wrangle her suitcases onto the subway and taken public transit from the airport. almost 30-year-old me gave navigation directions to the taxi driver without a wink of self consciousness at the miscommunication, and then tipped 20% for a $100 car ride.

and now I'm here!! I'm here to make sense of myself, to examine the world internal and external, to gain confidence, to put it all into words. I'm here to lay the groundwork for my long term future. I am in fact not here to watch broadway shows and eat fluffy bagels, but I sure wouldn't mind doing that along the way.