identity

in early january, I read this in the new york times morning newsletter:

The original Roman calendar had 10 months, starting with March and ending with December. What we now call January and February were an unnamed expanse of dark days, useless to the agricultural and military concerns of the state, which would recommence when the weather improved.

so basically january and february don't really count. they suggested using the first two months as a trial period for your resolutions:

It’s a finite period, a testing ground for the rest of the year. If making grand declarations for the year feels destined for failure or just too much, you might try a goal for the next two months. If the resolution sticks, you can extend it.

but I've decided to do the opposite and put off setting goals for the year for a bit. (if you see a post with resolutions before this, I actually published it after this post...) at the same time, as we transition from january to february, I feel inspired to check in.

what did I do in january? let's see.

• I leaned into my crafty hobbies! 
• brian gifted me some sewing accessories for christmas, and when I came back in january, I pulled out the sewing machine a few times. I finished a plaid wool mini skirt, hemmed cargo pants, and started altering the potato sack shift dress I got in thailand for $10.
• I also spent many hours on my ipad drawing a gift for brian and my second anniversary.
• in the first week, I worked on a crochet unicorn amigurumi in hopes of finishing it before willa had her second baby. it didn't happen. but I should finish the plush, it's so close! yeah the first week of january was crochet and watching shine on me.
• I read two books (kinda, let's just call it january hehe): intermezzo, first book on the new kindle, and stay true, which I picked up at a thrift store on MLK. I love reading my kindle in bed, in the dark. part of me wants to keep it a clean, "bed-only" electronic. but I will have to bring it on the plane to enjoy the benefits of that some time right? my shelves are now filled with memoirs (current count is 5), including two by asian americans that feature prominently death.
• I've reconfigured my apartment to be more cozy! the biggest thing I'm missing is a floor lamp to light up the couch area and make it more suitable for reading and crafting, but overall I greatly enjoy both my bed and living areas these days. I know I've moved beyond the P1s when I look around and feel like I really need a... clock.
• one of my publicly stated goals, a trivial one to commit to, was to decorate my apartment. I've acquired five frames for $10 (!!) and will work on filling them with art next!
• I've been cooking more meals. I'm always more inspired at the beginning of the year. and I also have a letterboard that I've been udpating with dishes — partly because when I see something, I crave it, and I want to dictate it myself instead of letting instagram dictate it, and partly because brian doesn't believe I can keep it up. this month, I've rotated through vodka sauce rigatoni, doenjang jjigae, and most recently I've been DEVOURING cottage cheese. I have a really good thing going right now with a crispy flatbread + tomato slice with salt and pepper + dollop of cottage cheese + home pickled red onions YUM and alternating with a simple smoked salmon variant.
• I've hung out every weekend with janet and yinran, and some friends have also visited from california!
• I fell off the volunteering tutoring train :( but I think I want to volunteer in person somewhere

here is v1.0 of my apartment:

- more separation between sleeping and living areas, including a divider and separate lights

- decor on the walls

things I want to do!

on repeat

1. decorate my nyc apartment - splurge a bit
2. learn about politics - what better time than mamdani's first year in office?
3. continue volunteering as a tutor
4. volunteer at an animal shelter / foster animals
5. switch up the workout routine - pick up running again? weights?
1. posture!
6. read 20 books
1. bonus: write about them
7. make a zine 
8. mail cards for everyone's birthdays
1. bonus: and some presents
9. [second half of the year] plot career moves
10. give mommy a break that isn't work (take daddy on a trip, or encourage mommy to go on a trip)

with those (below) thoughts in mind, it does feel like my life is no longer in the "monotonically increasing" part of the graph. you know, where each year is better than the last. once something tragic happens, something that can't be undone, you have to live with it. isn't every future happy moment tinged with sadness then?

at the same time, I really enjoyed some parts of the holiday season this year. I was extremely anxious about the first weekend I spent in south bay, 12/11-14. I wrote down all of the things I was worried about, and they were overcome one by one. the items on the list were: 

1. Daddy driving me home from Caltrain (2/5) - turned out totally fine, daddy is a decent driver especially on familiar roads. but he did greet me with "we have a family crisis" which turned out to be "no one in the family cares about each other" and translation: mommy yells at him sometimes :(
2. Dentist on Friday morning (5/5) - I had black spots on a back molar and feared the worst, but they were mostly stains and small cavity. turns out I do have another cavity to be filled at the next visit, plus also I had to endure two cavity fillings at this visit, but not getting prescribed a root canal was a huge relief and everything else seemed light.
3. Sat morning running 10k (3/5) - I was worried because I usually get very nauseous after my first run after a long hiatus. however, I was able to run the whole thing (at a 11 or 11.5 min pace) ! was very sore the two days after, but overall it felt good. I went running one more time during the holidays after that. I appreciate sheila for being a good running buddy!
4. Sat morning driving (2/5) - I'm pretty fine driving by myself, at least when traffic isn't crazy. I also had to drive sheila from the race to ikea, but that was a short 6 mins and we made it. after this break I feel pretty confident driving on my own in the bay, but still need work driving with passengers.
5. Family meeting (2/5) - this actually went worse than I expected because willa started yelling, but we survived I guess...

to be honest, I've apprehensive about 2026. coming off of a week with my family, I just don't see things with my dad getting better. I worry it will get worse this year, and I don't know how to prepare or brace for it.

at first, I was happy and relieved to see my dad doing way better than he was in the hospital. and it's true, his baseline is better. in the hospital, by the end, he was hallucinating 99% of the time and would forget things I said two minutes ago. at home, my dad drives. he looks at his bank accounts and pays the bills. and that's pretty much all he does. oh and he eats, a lot. he doesn't seem to want to do anything though. there's less frustration than before. he seems like he would be content to be taken care of; he's ok to hand the keys off to others, to have his food prepared for him. there's no fight for autonomy, at least in those areas. 

was there before? certainly he was more angry two years ago. frustrated that he couldn't get another job. he didn't like having to do all the cooking. 

now he does nothing. part of me thinks it's ok for him as long as he's happy, but the other part does worry that his brain will continue to wither without use, and is that ok? for certain I worry about mommy, who takes on increasing responsibility. the more work she does, the more she needs a break from daddy, the longer she will spend away from home, and it could be a vicious cycle.

more than that, daddy clearly has cognitive slow down. when we went to socal for three days, it was hard for him to keep up with what was happening, where we were. he would need to be constantly reminded of what's happening now and what's happening tomorrow.

perhaps willa would be happy to help entertain daddy—she already has lunch with him once a week—but she's about to have a baby which puts her out of commission for like two years. as for me, I hate to admit it but I'm reluctant. at the moment, it's mostly out of guilt that I do these daughter duties. and the guilt is strong. of course I couldn't let daddy spend days in the hospital without company, it's cruel and unnecessary when I was available to stay with him. there was nothing I could have done instead with those two days that I would have valued more. certainly not work.

so anyway, I don't know what to hope for in 2026. I feel guilty escaping to new york, even though my fam is supportive, feeling that I'm leaving behind an unresolved situation. it just feels hopeless. I don't know how to fix things. maybe if mommy and daddy could find a tenable holding state until willa's kids get older, and then willa can babysit daddy one day a week or something. I guess I could do that too if/when I'm back in the bay — daddysit once every 1-2 weeks. I can do that much. I do enjoy seeing him happy and comfortable (and not up in mommy's hair).

aging and end of life is hard. I don't want them to suffer, that's the main thing.

monday: went into the office, and then after work swung by target to pick up some household goods. stopped by a halal food truck and brought dinner back. hot and fresh and really hits the spot when you're hungry!!

tuesday: clocked out early at 5pm to get to williamsburg by 6pm for a halloween sewing party. I was meeting up with new friend audrey, and she was running late, so I stopped by l'industrie for a slice of pizza first, which was soo good. spent a few hours mending and altering our things (google cotopaxi backpack for me!), and then we split an uber to the train station and said our see you next times.

wednesday: highlight of the day was getting an oat milk latte and BLT from my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, solid state.

thursday: in-office day and a rainy day. got in around 11:30 and left at 7:30, which is a normal eight hour day but felt long because the office was empty by 7. and there were a lot of small tasks to be done, like fix an SQL query, make a hex notebook of example queries, debug a customer issue. I ordered dinner from yubu (sushi pockets and soup) and it arrived in less than 30 mins because it's so close by. it was rainy all day and beautiful to see it pouring outside the tall windows of the of the office. the soaked streets are night were pretty too. grateful for the fresh air walking to and from the train station.

friday: halloween! I'm going to see play with akhila, a friend of aditya's who lives in new jersey. the tickets were free from her company. happy to have a chill halloween night planned!

I feel like all week I thought about going to the garment district to buy some fabric before 6pm when most of the stores close, but I haven't been able to do it...

signs of high agency

• moving to new york
• living in SF in spite of working in south bay and family nearby

signs of low agency

• choosing to study CS and become a SWE after growing up in silicon valley
• staying on the same team until I get kicked out