identity

exhibit A: dolomites, when I was super pissy. I can't even remember why anymore??? like I think I was annoyed by the dynamic of the group. so then I would snap at people and decline to participate? thinking about it now, it just sounds rude. why do I feel entitled to... the alternative? did the girls treat me poorly? I really doubt that they did.

exhibit B: with brian's friends at brunch. at coffee, I checked out. when brian or sabrina nudged me into the conversation ("can you explain RL?" "what do you think of a big car?") I fucking shook my head and declined to play ball. why??? I know I felt bad in the moment. I know I told brian I didn't like that shawnee would look at him instead of me when answering my questions. but was it that bad?

this hasn't really happened before. I feel like I've always been either shy/quiet or nice, never bratty.

omg maybe it was what happened with the cooking group? when I got annoyed by the dynamic and wanted to stop hanging out?

I must observe myself.

--

it's a little scary to think that I'm developing a new personality flaw. but also kind of exciting. and it's not like I'm stuck with it. I used to be hella passive aggressive but after realizing how toxic it is, I worked to train myself out of it. I need to figure out where this brattiness is coming from. and fix it, so that I can judge people for not being nice enough without being a total hypocrite 😇

him harping on the idea that "men should be providers"—talking about it like it's a painful burden that he's subject to

then he backpedals and says "but of course women have it harder" but it's in a different voice. like a politician on the verge of saying something controversial and then sweeping it away. can't tell if he's well trained or putting up a thin front that will break one day. both.

I think the other real reason it bothers me is because I think I am oh so progressive dating someone whose current career doesn't look as good on paper as mine

and there is no acknowledgment from him

he thinks I'm very average and by the book

and secretly I fear I am too

==

ok I think it's because this is not the first time that he's shown that he thinks about things in terms what is "expected" of men instead of what he genuinely wants or does not want.

the other example recently was at quyen's wedding, when he said I would be mad if we were shannon and her fiance's situation — if I got messy drunk and he ditched me to sleep or scroll his phone. I asked how he would feel if the situation were reversed. he said something about how it would be frowned upon if a guy ditched his drunk girlfriend, but not if a girl ditched her drunk boyfriend. because it's gendered. ok I think did say there was more danger for a girl to get too drunk.

but yeah no mention of anyone feeling concerned or abandoned. more about societal expectations.

==

but wait fr like what if in the future I fall for someone who asks me a lot of questions like "do you want a provider?" because they're so interested in and curious about ME

if you exist

you don't have to get married

you don't have to have children

do something wonderful and great with your precious life

yes, know what commonly brings happiness and fulfillment to people: family, community, stability, children to keep you company and take care of you in old age. but if you don't want those things, if you are strong and smart, you can pick and choose the things that serve you. you can find happiness and fulfillment in other things.

if you want to talk about marriage and how to know when to get married, let's chat.

if you want to talk about children and how they will change your life, let's chat.

I am here for you. and I love you!!! that is all.

my mom has a special talent of making me want to make decisions just to spite her

like the fucking inane things she says about brian not having a STEM degree... make me want to defend him and his career

her pressuring me towards marriage... make me want to push off marriage and never have kids

without her influence, I'm feeling pretty good about my life and career. I've even started thinking of the master's degree as a part of my identity. 

but when I look back on it, it was not. it, and probably my bachelor's degree in CS too, were all a result of her influence. a push and pull, a fucked up mix of subconsciously desiring her approval and teenage rebellion

why is it that when she asserts herself and her opinions, it's like a magnet dipping into a bowl of paperclips. where I am a bowl.

I want to help her and daddy, but I need to protect myself first.

(like recently I was thinking I want to have kids before I get too old. but now I'm like fuck it, I don't want to rUsH into kids and give my mother the satisfaction)

back from louise's wedding in the south of france! it was actually so much fun, not at the same level as but similar type to palestine and taiwan trip vibes. if I'm feeling sad to be done with trip, can't imagine how louise feels.

• the other wedding guests, especially road trip guests, were so fantastic. everyone was so nice, friendly, down to chat. everyone was also down to pitch in and help. gosh.
• also everyone was down to play blood on the clocktower. everyone was FUN and involved. likely the destination wedding and group trip component selected for these traits (a homebody wouldn't even attend), but I also see it as a result of louise and khoa being self-proclaimed "picky" about their friendships. while I am less picky, this has inspired me to nurture my favorite friendships more.

 feeling a very bittersweet mix of emotions

last winter after my dad's GI issues and it being evident that his health is declining, I wondered if I could ever feel pure happiness again? like my happiness has peaked, and how can I be happy when there is something so permanently, profoundly sad in my life. specifically: how can one be happy after they lose a parent? won't every happy moment in the future be tinged?

I feel happy and sad today though.

sad because willa just sent an email to mommy and me, urging mommy to send a note to daddy's PCP. this time it's not a specific incident (that I'm aware of, but surely there was one that prompted this), but a reminder. it's impossible to deny that there is some illness, not just regular aging and slowdown. likely lewy body dementia. putting a name to it, reading through the symptoms, it feels real.

but also grateful to have an older sister to take charge on this. I know, older sisters carry unfair burden. but you know what, I'm going to let her, in this moment. she's eight years older than me, and she has the wisdom that being a mom has conferred. 

I'm also actually really touched by the way she wrote the email. it's the alternative to anger that I have always wanted. she said that she was wrong, that she had changed her perspective on certain things. for instance, she realized the importance of work to mommy.

and somehow, I feel a rush of confidence and optimism. like daddy and mommy will be okay, because they have willa and me. we will figure it out all together.

I also just came off of a fun weekend at louise's bachelorette. it's a marvel to have close friends, and to be ensconced in others' friendships, their bonds and chemistry built over years. I'm also thrilled to have helped plan and execute an event. I rented a car under my own name for the first time and drove my friends around.

work is in a sweet spot as well: post-launch, room to breathe, new teammates to keep me company in the NYC office.

this week I'll be hanging out with jill, NYC maxxing, going out finally (or at least to a sam karaoke session). next week I've made plans for figure drawing with a potential new friend. and just a few days after that, I'm off to switzerland and then france for louise's wedding.

hello~

writing whilst sick. it was mild; I woke up feeling really bad, but after a day of lazing in bed and on the couch, I feel much much better.

it's really such a luxury to get to recover this way!! having my own apartment, my own space. freedom to cough loudly, to walk around in pajamas, to leave the kitchen a mess.

some conclusions I came to today

ofc while sick, you don't dream of work...

I miss brian :'(

if I think of nyc as a sort of study abroad period rather than a new home, I feel like it's been incredibly fruitful so far. somehow the framing matters a lot.

watching claire & peter, I also want to quit and travel for a year !!! I guess I'm grateful for a partner who is brave enough to consider it (I think, I've never proposed it)