identity

here is v1.0 of my apartment:

- more separation between sleeping and living areas, including a divider and separate lights

- decor on the walls

with those (below) thoughts in mind, it does feel like my life is no longer in the "monotonically increasing" part of the graph. you know, where each year is better than the last. once something tragic happens, something that can't be undone, you have to live with it. isn't every future happy moment tinged with sadness then?

at the same time, I really enjoyed some parts of the holiday season this year. I was extremely anxious about the first weekend I spent in south bay, 12/11-14. I wrote down all of the things I was worried about, and they were overcome one by one. the items on the list were: 

1. Daddy driving me home from Caltrain (2/5) - turned out totally fine, daddy is a decent driver especially on familiar roads. but he did greet me with "we have a family crisis" which turned out to be "no one in the family cares about each other" and translation: mommy yells at him sometimes :(
2. Dentist on Friday morning (5/5) - I had black spots on a back molar and feared the worst, but they were mostly stains and small cavity. turns out I do have another cavity to be filled at the next visit, plus also I had to endure two cavity fillings at this visit, but not getting prescribed a root canal was a huge relief and everything else seemed light.
3. Sat morning running 10k (3/5) - I was worried because I usually get very nauseous after my first run after a long hiatus. however, I was able to run the whole thing (at a 11 or 11.5 min pace) ! was very sore the two days after, but overall it felt good. I went running one more time during the holidays after that. I appreciate sheila for being a good running buddy!
4. Sat morning driving (2/5) - I'm pretty fine driving by myself, at least when traffic isn't crazy. I also had to drive sheila from the race to ikea, but that was a short 6 mins and we made it. after this break I feel pretty confident driving on my own in the bay, but still need work driving with passengers.
5. Family meeting (2/5) - this actually went worse than I expected because willa started yelling, but we survived I guess...

to be honest, I've apprehensive about 2026. coming off of a week with my family, I just don't see things with my dad getting better. I worry it will get worse this year, and I don't know how to prepare or brace for it.

at first, I was happy and relieved to see my dad doing way better than he was in the hospital. and it's true, his baseline is better. in the hospital, by the end, he was hallucinating 99% of the time and would forget things I said two minutes ago. at home, my dad drives. he looks at his bank accounts and pays the bills. and that's pretty much all he does. oh and he eats, a lot. he doesn't seem to want to do anything though. there's less frustration than before. he seems like he would be content to be taken care of; he's ok to hand the keys off to others, to have his food prepared for him. there's no fight for autonomy, at least in those areas. 

was there before? certainly he was more angry two years ago. frustrated that he couldn't get another job. he didn't like having to do all the cooking. 

now he does nothing. part of me thinks it's ok for him as long as he's happy, but the other part does worry that his brain will continue to wither without use, and is that ok? for certain I worry about mommy, who takes on increasing responsibility. the more work she does, the more she needs a break from daddy, the longer she will spend away from home, and it could be a vicious cycle.

more than that, daddy clearly has cognitive slow down. when we went to socal for three days, it was hard for him to keep up with what was happening, where we were. he would need to be constantly reminded of what's happening now and what's happening tomorrow.

perhaps willa would be happy to help entertain daddy—she already has lunch with him once a week—but she's about to have a baby which puts her out of commission for like two years. as for me, I hate to admit it but I'm reluctant. at the moment, it's mostly out of guilt that I do these daughter duties. and the guilt is strong. of course I couldn't let daddy spend days in the hospital without company, it's cruel and unnecessary when I was available to stay with him. there was nothing I could have done instead with those two days that I would have valued more. certainly not work.

so anyway, I don't know what to hope for in 2026. I feel guilty escaping to new york, even though my fam is supportive, feeling that I'm leaving behind an unresolved situation. it just feels hopeless. I don't know how to fix things. maybe if mommy and daddy could find a tenable holding state until willa's kids get older, and then willa can babysit daddy one day a week or something. I guess I could do that too if/when I'm back in the bay — daddysit once every 1-2 weeks. I can do that much. I do enjoy seeing him happy and comfortable (and not up in mommy's hair).

aging and end of life is hard. I don't want them to suffer, that's the main thing.

monday: went into the office, and then after work swung by target to pick up some household goods. stopped by a halal food truck and brought dinner back. hot and fresh and really hits the spot when you're hungry!!

tuesday: clocked out early at 5pm to get to williamsburg by 6pm for a halloween sewing party. I was meeting up with new friend audrey, and she was running late, so I stopped by l'industrie for a slice of pizza first, which was soo good. spent a few hours mending and altering our things (google cotopaxi backpack for me!), and then we split an uber to the train station and said our see you next times.

wednesday: highlight of the day was getting an oat milk latte and BLT from my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, solid state.

thursday: in-office day and a rainy day. got in around 11:30 and left at 7:30, which is a normal eight hour day but felt long because the office was empty by 7. and there were a lot of small tasks to be done, like fix an SQL query, make a hex notebook of example queries, debug a customer issue. I ordered dinner from yubu (sushi pockets and soup) and it arrived in less than 30 mins because it's so close by. it was rainy all day and beautiful to see it pouring outside the tall windows of the of the office. the soaked streets are night were pretty too. grateful for the fresh air walking to and from the train station.

friday: halloween! I'm going to see play with akhila, a friend of aditya's who lives in new jersey. the tickets were free from her company. happy to have a chill halloween night planned!

I feel like all week I thought about going to the garment district to buy some fabric before 6pm when most of the stores close, but I haven't been able to do it...

signs of high agency

• moving to new york
• living in SF in spite of working in south bay and family nearby

signs of low agency

• choosing to study CS and become a SWE after growing up in silicon valley
• staying on the same team until I get kicked out

but interesting how I'm now thinking about how to have the conversation with him rather than trying to figure out if it's a dealbreaker for me

I'm also taking michelle's "you're doing too much pre-work / pre-think" comment to heart

for context... facetimed brian today and was telling him about the MAUM market. I told him about the little girl who really wanted to play the game and he had no response. and then I had no response, and in my head I was just thinking "I'm not going to save you this time."

he could have changed the topic to one of his topics, as he had done once already in this call. instead, the silence stretched longer and longer, until I said "do you think you're a good listener?"

he said sheepishly (?) "I think I'm a passable listener."

my urge to cry was indicative of all the things — I feel hurt, this could be an issue, yada yada. and I didn't want to cry, so I said "shall we watch the drama?"

afterwards while we were setting up the drama, I feel like he was a bit short and curt. a bit like in hawaii on the hike. I do it too — when something's wrong, or perhaps when I've been wronged, it's easier to retreat and reduce the surface area for potential friction. at least temporarily.

after the drama episode, we had a regular engaging conversation. well, except I did prompt him "now you should ask me questions" which was a little passive aggressive but not intentionally or overly so imo and he was more careful than usual to let me speak.

and then we talked about the possibility of him being a stay at home husband/dad, and then about the urgency of making money before AI changes everything, and then my phone died.

a throwaway thought I had in the shower - I do wonder if the topics of marriage and kids serve as reassurance that whatever conflict we just had was not relationship-ending. for me they do certainly, I wonder if for him he brings it up intentionally.

but I don't want it to be water under the bridge. conflicts come up so infrequently for us, I want to use it as an opportunity to practice dealing with conflict. and also, this is actually super important for me. religion is a hazy shadow, but having to go home every day and have a conversation where he talks, I try to make him feel heard, and I feel like a bore? fucking nightmare, I couldn't do it.

/// my talking points

to have a conversation about what I said yesterday, are you a good listener

sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like you're not interested in what I have to say

sometimes there will be topics that you're interested in and I'm not inherently interested in that topic, but I like listening to you talk about it because it's exciting or meaningful or frustrating to you

and I would hope vice versa is true?

I don't want you to pretend to be interested in something you're not, or to say things you don't mean

to be honest for the moon festival party, I don't think it's on you at all. I think it was rude that they didn't make some effort to include you. I used to think it was all on me to be interesting and sociable, but then I realized I was just going to the wrong parties, hanging out with the wrong people. there's only so much you can do to force people to interact with you. the whole thing about "don't be interesting, be interested" ...

broken record but bear with me as here we go again

how did I get anywhere with my parents' attitudes?? mostly my mom's. did she change that much since my high school days? in my memory, in high school, I made all of my decisions heavily influenced by my mom and trying to please her. and I guess that got me good grades and a smattering of extracurriculars... but how was I not a miserable cardboard of a person? or perhaps I was? or perhaps I was saved by ambition and daydreams and fantasy novels???

here's the context... today I dutifully called my parents to communicate that I am alive and well and do in fact care about them and love them. I told my mom I had signed up for a sewing class. her response: "why???" strong disapproval of my choice in hobbies. my dad prefers sports — these days I'm just glad he has an opinion at all, fine. I showed my mom the drawstring bag I made and she said "what's with the color? you should have made a black one" on and then commentary on my nails as expected "why?? you should have at least picked red/pink" and then also took the opportunity to chastise my hair dye again.

alas!! if my mom had her way, I would spend all of my time doing yoga (in my apartment) and reading books (in my apartment). never go outside on the dangerous streets.

and ugh she is so eager to talk about politics these days, but her talking politics is just regurgitating her radical youtube videos. once again, I am obliged to look at the bright side and be glad that she is engaging her mind in some way I suppose. BUT STILL.

I think my takeaway from this moment is the same as usual...

first, when I type these out, it becomes clear that I need to detach myself from the urge to please my mom. her standards and values have diverged so much from mine. I should not evaluate my wellbeing and success against a metric that I don't agree with. in fact, I think I have detached myself for the most part, except for the second point...

second, I still instinctively want to please my mom. her disapproval triggers a gut reaction of unhappiness, guilt, and panic within me. it is physical, or perhaps pavlovian.

third, what kind of a parent do I want to be? I don't want to be overly fearful; I want to live fully and encourage my kids to do the same. it will be hard to give them the freedom to fail and get hurt, but I would want to do that because the same freedom is necessary for them to grow and experience the best of life. while I want to instill certain core, foundational values in my kids, I don't want to mold them too tightly to specific values. I want to discover who they are and help them become the best version of themselves. each person is different, and needs to be parented in a different way. (I think about the recent podcaster with one kid who went to an ivy league and another who was a navy seal and has ADHD, for instance. surely they were parented differently.)

and part of those core values includes... acknowledging the importance of creativity and fun and play. honestly why the fuck would you complain about a kid who voluntarily spends her weekend taking a sewing class? she earns enough money to pay for fancy classes. she decides to spend the money on a CLASS, not like.. drugs or something. of all activity options like clubbing, gambling, ... she enjoys LEARNING. she's going out, not rotting at home. not that any of the alternatives are inherently sinful but god, my parents have it so good. what the actual fuuuuck.

I need to be more unapologetically myself, I guess?? it's just that old argument about how it's hard to be your own person and not slip back into high school patterns when you're in close proximity to your parents, and in this case proximity is a phone call. in sight (on facetime), in mind.

and again, the old conclusion is that I should be my own person, but rather than be like "fuck this" and not talk to them at all, I do still want to explain myself to them and put their hearts and minds at ease.