identity

him harping on the idea that "men should be providers"—talking about it like it's a painful burden that he's subject to

then he backpedals and says "but of course women have it harder" but it's in a different voice. like a politician on the verge of saying something controversial and then sweeping it away. can't tell if he's well trained or putting up a thin front that will break one day. both.

I think the other real reason it bothers me is because I think I am oh so progressive dating someone whose current career doesn't look as good on paper as mine

and there is no acknowledgment from him

he thinks I'm very average and by the book

and secretly I fear I am too

==

ok I think it's because this is not the first time that he's shown that he thinks about things in terms what is "expected" of men instead of what he genuinely wants or does not want.

the other example recently was at quyen's wedding, when he said I would be mad if we were shannon and her fiance's situation — if I got messy drunk and he ditched me to sleep or scroll his phone. I asked how he would feel if the situation were reversed. he said something about how it would be frowned upon if a guy ditched his drunk girlfriend, but not if a girl ditched her drunk boyfriend. because it's gendered. ok I think did say there was more danger for a girl to get too drunk.

but yeah no mention of anyone feeling concerned or abandoned. more about societal expectations.

==

but wait fr like what if in the future I fall for someone who asks me a lot of questions like "do you want a provider?" because they're so interested in and curious about ME

if you exist

you don't have to get married

you don't have to have children

do something wonderful and great with your precious life

yes, know what commonly brings happiness and fulfillment to people: family, community, stability, children to keep you company and take care of you in old age. but if you don't want those things, if you are strong and smart, you can pick and choose the things that serve you. you can find happiness and fulfillment in other things.

if you want to talk about marriage and how to know when to get married, let's chat.

if you want to talk about children and how they will change your life, let's chat.

I am here for you. and I love you!!! that is all.

my mom has a special talent of making me want to make decisions just to spite her

like the fucking inane things she says about brian not having a STEM degree... make me want to defend him and his career

her pressuring me towards marriage... make me want to push off marriage and never have kids

without her influence, I'm feeling pretty good about my life and career. I've even started thinking of the master's degree as a part of my identity. 

but when I look back on it, it was not. it, and probably my bachelor's degree in CS too, were all a result of her influence. a push and pull, a fucked up mix of subconsciously desiring her approval and teenage rebellion

why is it that when she asserts herself and her opinions, it's like a magnet dipping into a bowl of paperclips. where I am a bowl.

I want to help her and daddy, but I need to protect myself first.

(like recently I was thinking I want to have kids before I get too old. but now I'm like fuck it, I don't want to rUsH into kids and give my mother the satisfaction)

back from louise's wedding in the south of france! it was actually so much fun, not at the same level as but similar type to palestine and taiwan trip vibes. if I'm feeling sad to be done with trip, can't imagine how louise feels.

• the other wedding guests, especially road trip guests, were so fantastic. everyone was so nice, friendly, down to chat. everyone was also down to pitch in and help. gosh.
• also everyone was down to play blood on the clocktower. everyone was FUN and involved. likely the destination wedding and group trip component selected for these traits (a homebody wouldn't even attend), but I also see it as a result of louise and khoa being self-proclaimed "picky" about their friendships. while I am less picky, this has inspired me to nurture my favorite friendships more.

 feeling a very bittersweet mix of emotions

last winter after my dad's GI issues and it being evident that his health is declining, I wondered if I could ever feel pure happiness again? like my happiness has peaked, and how can I be happy when there is something so permanently, profoundly sad in my life. specifically: how can one be happy after they lose a parent? won't every happy moment in the future be tinged?

I feel happy and sad today though.

sad because willa just sent an email to mommy and me, urging mommy to send a note to daddy's PCP. this time it's not a specific incident (that I'm aware of, but surely there was one that prompted this), but a reminder. it's impossible to deny that there is some illness, not just regular aging and slowdown. likely lewy body dementia. putting a name to it, reading through the symptoms, it feels real.

but also grateful to have an older sister to take charge on this. I know, older sisters carry unfair burden. but you know what, I'm going to let her, in this moment. she's eight years older than me, and she has the wisdom that being a mom has conferred. 

I'm also actually really touched by the way she wrote the email. it's the alternative to anger that I have always wanted. she said that she was wrong, that she had changed her perspective on certain things. for instance, she realized the importance of work to mommy.

and somehow, I feel a rush of confidence and optimism. like daddy and mommy will be okay, because they have willa and me. we will figure it out all together.

I also just came off of a fun weekend at louise's bachelorette. it's a marvel to have close friends, and to be ensconced in others' friendships, their bonds and chemistry built over years. I'm also thrilled to have helped plan and execute an event. I rented a car under my own name for the first time and drove my friends around.

work is in a sweet spot as well: post-launch, room to breathe, new teammates to keep me company in the NYC office.

this week I'll be hanging out with jill, NYC maxxing, going out finally (or at least to a sam karaoke session). next week I've made plans for figure drawing with a potential new friend. and just a few days after that, I'm off to switzerland and then france for louise's wedding.

hello~

writing whilst sick. it was mild; I woke up feeling really bad, but after a day of lazing in bed and on the couch, I feel much much better.

it's really such a luxury to get to recover this way!! having my own apartment, my own space. freedom to cough loudly, to walk around in pajamas, to leave the kitchen a mess.

some conclusions I came to today

ofc while sick, you don't dream of work...

I miss brian :'(

if I think of nyc as a sort of study abroad period rather than a new home, I feel like it's been incredibly fruitful so far. somehow the framing matters a lot.

watching claire & peter, I also want to quit and travel for a year !!! I guess I'm grateful for a partner who is brave enough to consider it (I think, I've never proposed it)

the air is turning warm again here in nyc, and with it my spirits lift. the smell of summer, of warm rain in the city streets, is so happy and nostalgic. it's a bit deceptive; was my first nyc summer even that great?

oh but it was — I arrived in the middle of june and sweated for a month in my west village and williamsburg apartments, where I had weak window AC units. no more, this year. I battled mosquitos and the walks to work or the subway were brutal. the office AC was heaven. and even though I was new in town, my weekends filled pleasantly with plans. the first week, I hung out with visiting friends: dani and aditya and aditya's friends. jennifer (and jayant) also came to nyc for a month shortly after, so we met up as well, and with ivy too. 

the winter has weighed on my mood a bit. I feel lonely at the office these days, without the luxury of getting invited for lunch daily. yes, atul still swings by sometimes to say hi and I've joined them at the table once on my own accord... I need to do it more. things started off so well last year, with the moma field trip and that one mahjong night. anyway, outside of work, I've also been craving deeper friendships, and my fyp knows that truth. still, objectively, my weekends do fill. in january and feburary, janet/yinran and I made plans to try different restaurants every weekend. I feel like I'm getting to know them better too, and it all culminated in a trip to oaxaca this past weekend. and when interpersonal relationships are not filling my cup, I turn to other things: soulcycle in a crowded room, runs in central park, a figure drawing class.

I think it may just take a little more patience. I signed up for one of those organized "meet new people" things this weekend, 222. it's a yoga class in UWS, which is prime activity and location for me. I haven't yet turned to bumble bff, and I'm torn about whether it would be a good avenue or if I should be annoyingly opinionated about organic friendships only. 

while I'm here, let me write out my wishlist of friendships to manifest them into being: I would love to find 

• a friend to go clubbing and to gov ball (or equivalent, since I will probs be out of town) with
• friends who are loud and fun, mainly because I have already found some who are restful and chill
• a friend who like to do DIY and low budget things
• a friend who I can have a heart to heart with, good conversations
• a friend to read research papers or books with
• a friend to go to sample sales with
• and finally, a medium to large sized friend group, with a group chat.