identity

here is v1.0 of my apartment:

- more separation between sleeping and living areas, including a divider and separate lights

- decor on the walls

things I want to do!

on repeat

1. decorate my nyc apartment - splurge a bit
2. learn about politics - what better time than mamdani's first year in office?
3. continue volunteering as a tutor
4. volunteer at an animal shelter / foster animals
5. switch up the workout routine - pick up running again? weights?
1. posture!
6. read 20 books
1. bonus: write about them
7. make a zine 
8. mail cards for everyone's birthdays
1. bonus: and some presents
9. [second half of the year] plot career moves
10. give mommy a break that isn't work (take daddy on a trip, or encourage mommy to go on a trip)

with those (below) thoughts in mind, it does feel like my life is no longer in the "monotonically increasing" part of the graph. you know, where each year is better than the last. once something tragic happens, something that can't be undone, you have to live with it. isn't every future happy moment tinged with sadness then?

at the same time, I really enjoyed some parts of the holiday season this year. I was extremely anxious about the first weekend I spent in south bay, 12/11-14. I wrote down all of the things I was worried about, and they were overcome one by one. the items on the list were: 

1. Daddy driving me home from Caltrain (2/5) - turned out totally fine, daddy is a decent driver especially on familiar roads. but he did greet me with "we have a family crisis" which turned out to be "no one in the family cares about each other" and translation: mommy yells at him sometimes :(
2. Dentist on Friday morning (5/5) - I had black spots on a back molar and feared the worst, but they were mostly stains and small cavity. turns out I do have another cavity to be filled at the next visit, plus also I had to endure two cavity fillings at this visit, but not getting prescribed a root canal was a huge relief and everything else seemed light.
3. Sat morning running 10k (3/5) - I was worried because I usually get very nauseous after my first run after a long hiatus. however, I was able to run the whole thing (at a 11 or 11.5 min pace) ! was very sore the two days after, but overall it felt good. I went running one more time during the holidays after that. I appreciate sheila for being a good running buddy!
4. Sat morning driving (2/5) - I'm pretty fine driving by myself, at least when traffic isn't crazy. I also had to drive sheila from the race to ikea, but that was a short 6 mins and we made it. after this break I feel pretty confident driving on my own in the bay, but still need work driving with passengers.
5. Family meeting (2/5) - this actually went worse than I expected because willa started yelling, but we survived I guess...

to be honest, I've apprehensive about 2026. coming off of a week with my family, I just don't see things with my dad getting better. I worry it will get worse this year, and I don't know how to prepare or brace for it.

at first, I was happy and relieved to see my dad doing way better than he was in the hospital. and it's true, his baseline is better. in the hospital, by the end, he was hallucinating 99% of the time and would forget things I said two minutes ago. at home, my dad drives. he looks at his bank accounts and pays the bills. and that's pretty much all he does. oh and he eats, a lot. he doesn't seem to want to do anything though. there's less frustration than before. he seems like he would be content to be taken care of; he's ok to hand the keys off to others, to have his food prepared for him. there's no fight for autonomy, at least in those areas. 

was there before? certainly he was more angry two years ago. frustrated that he couldn't get another job. he didn't like having to do all the cooking. 

now he does nothing. part of me thinks it's ok for him as long as he's happy, but the other part does worry that his brain will continue to wither without use, and is that ok? for certain I worry about mommy, who takes on increasing responsibility. the more work she does, the more she needs a break from daddy, the longer she will spend away from home, and it could be a vicious cycle.

more than that, daddy clearly has cognitive slow down. when we went to socal for three days, it was hard for him to keep up with what was happening, where we were. he would need to be constantly reminded of what's happening now and what's happening tomorrow.

perhaps willa would be happy to help entertain daddy—she already has lunch with him once a week—but she's about to have a baby which puts her out of commission for like two years. as for me, I hate to admit it but I'm reluctant. at the moment, it's mostly out of guilt that I do these daughter duties. and the guilt is strong. of course I couldn't let daddy spend days in the hospital without company, it's cruel and unnecessary when I was available to stay with him. there was nothing I could have done instead with those two days that I would have valued more. certainly not work.

so anyway, I don't know what to hope for in 2026. I feel guilty escaping to new york, even though my fam is supportive, feeling that I'm leaving behind an unresolved situation. it just feels hopeless. I don't know how to fix things. maybe if mommy and daddy could find a tenable holding state until willa's kids get older, and then willa can babysit daddy one day a week or something. I guess I could do that too if/when I'm back in the bay — daddysit once every 1-2 weeks. I can do that much. I do enjoy seeing him happy and comfortable (and not up in mommy's hair).

aging and end of life is hard. I don't want them to suffer, that's the main thing.

it's december, and I'm realizing that this is the first year I haven't kept a running "in 2025, I..." post.

2025 was undoubtedly an eventful year. I don't need to try to squeeze significance out of it. 

I read more than I did in 2024, yay! 18 books vs an abysmal 5 in 2024, and 10 on average prior to that.

I also wrote more in 2025. I haven't counted, but I'm pretty sure there are more blog posts, and more paper journal entries than one every 1-2 months.

at work, I stepped into a "pod lead" role (at least I think that happened in 2025?) it involves more organization work than anything: running standup and representing my pod at end-of-week meetings. at the same time, it affords opportunity for me to step up. I'm struggling still to level up technically — I want to be a tech lead, not just a pod lead. in any case, I was able to transition to the nyc office smoothly, thanks to the trust and synergy built over the first three years of my tenure. every so often, I miss team IU sorely. nyc office has proven to be friendly though. I'm especially grateful for atul and also lee for proactively chatting with me, making me feel like my presence in the nyc office is noticed. I've experienced this in the past a few times before, and it continues to happen: sometimes friendship occurs all at once, 0 to 1. towards the end of 2025, I started meshing more with the mail team, which I sit near. shoutout to eileen and terry.

and on family - I confess I didn't think too much about family for most of the year, until the very end. I suppose I thought along the lines of "I will have my year in new york before it's too late / it's too hard for me to leave the bay area" ... where one of the things keeping me in the bay is proximity to my aging parents. I even wanted to be a part of chris's life as he grows up, but I'm second guessing that after the holiday fiasco this year.

so let's talk about new york, the big thing this year.

📆

2025 is bisected...

... in the first half, I wrapped up my eighth(!) year in san francisco. I

• got very sick, went to india/singapore, and then came back and got more sick. in india, I lost my voice. in singapore, I spent mornings lazing on lidan's couch and afternoons doing a little exploring with her. I dyed my hair (accidental money piece!) and sampled mall culture.
• also while sick, celebrated brian's and my first anniversary at lazy bear. first two-star michelin restaurant.
• was roomies with louise for three months at lansing
• promoted just add oil whilst co-located with louise! we had a  two pop-up events, one at paper son and one at on waverly, and also tabled. as of the end of 2025, we have just about one box left! a natural end to this project? or will there be a 2.0? I'd be happy either way, it's been a fun run.
• went on dates around the city, including to play pinball, visit small museums, and eat at the newest restaurants.
• squeezed in weekend trips and one WFHawaii week with brian
• stayed an extra month or two to accommodate for all the weddings: jane in LA, nick(?) in philly, lillian and raghav pt 2 in SF
• invited my regular cast members to a farewell party (without music) at lansing

I rely heavily on photos to remember what happened these days, so it's a pity that my phone is too broken/full to open the camera half the time! I gotta fix that.