and yet

with those (below) thoughts in mind, it does feel like my life is no longer in the "monotonically increasing" part of the graph. you know, where each year is better than the last. once something tragic happens, something that can't be undone, you have to live with it. isn't every future happy moment tinged with sadness then?

at the same time, I really enjoyed some parts of the holiday season this year. I was extremely anxious about the first weekend I spent in south bay, 12/11-14. I wrote down all of the things I was worried about, and they were overcome one by one. the items on the list were: 

1. Daddy driving me home from Caltrain (2/5) - turned out totally fine, daddy is a decent driver especially on familiar roads. but he did greet me with "we have a family crisis" which turned out to be "no one in the family cares about each other" and translation: mommy yells at him sometimes :(
2. Dentist on Friday morning (5/5) - I had black spots on a back molar and feared the worst, but they were mostly stains and small cavity. turns out I do have another cavity to be filled at the next visit, plus also I had to endure two cavity fillings at this visit, but not getting prescribed a root canal was a huge relief and everything else seemed light.
3. Sat morning running 10k (3/5) - I was worried because I usually get very nauseous after my first run after a long hiatus. however, I was able to run the whole thing (at a 11 or 11.5 min pace) ! was very sore the two days after, but overall it felt good. I went running one more time during the holidays after that. I appreciate sheila for being a good running buddy!
4. Sat morning driving (2/5) - I'm pretty fine driving by myself, at least when traffic isn't crazy. I also had to drive sheila from the race to ikea, but that was a short 6 mins and we made it. after this break I feel pretty confident driving on my own in the bay, but still need work driving with passengers.
5. Family meeting (2/5) - this actually went worse than I expected because willa started yelling, but we survived I guess...

so those things turned out alright. and the warm fuzzy parts of the holidays were the week living with brian. it was nice to live together. we would go to bed together — by which I mean he would go to bed with his tablet to unwind, and I would put around for two hours before showering and crawling into bed next to an already sleeping brian. in the morning, I would wake up briefly when he did, and then snooze for another two hours while he did his writing and coffee and breakfast routines. we would then take the N downtown together to work. at the end of the work day, we met up at the train station and did the commute back together. and then some combo of workout (gym for brian, zoom yoga with cday for me), dinner (usually brian cooking), and netflix. sprinkled throughout the daily routine were grocery shopping, trying new recipes, playing claw machines in chinatown and japantown, dinner with my friends, potlucks with his. just.. a cute little life.

and I was really grateful. after the big fight at willa's, I was glad to spend the afternoon with brian and my friends. there were errands, shopping, a claw machine WIN!!! and then we had dinner, where we talked a bit about parents and family. then we met up with jill and joan, and the vibes were fun with them as always.

these good moments remind me that it's okay and possible to nurture joy and play amidst everything else that's going on.