this one is about brian

knowing that david is reading through all of angela's old writing, I feel the need to write a bit about and to brian.

hilariously, I said "I love you" to david yesterday, but I still find it hard to even think about saying it to brian. because it is more serious. it's all about context. but I do love brian.

I feel like I've grown more compatible with brian over the last year together. I just feel a profound sense of comfort with him. it's strange, and this might even sound bad: our first trip together to europe was a blur, and I remember feeling somewhat disappointed and not having that much fun and just being very cold. but the trips we've taken together after that have been more and more fun. hawaii was great (with the exception of the river crossing blip). so was the most recent LA trip.

I observe that I mold myself to my partner. there were many thoughts of "is this the guy I want to mold myself to?" in the beginning. I'm still thinking about it now, but I guess I'm answered it with my continued choices. this being my first relationship, brian is also the first person that I find myself evolving for, like ivy grows around a branch. I've never been able to take to anyone else, and it was like that for so long that I doubted I could take to anyone at all, but now I know that I am capable of it.

this is how I expected to be in a relationship, and this is why I remind myself that it's important to admire my partner as a person. because I will become more and more like him. and I need to be okay with, or even happy, with that.

god, why is it that I set out to write complimentary, cute things, and this is the stuff that comes out ???

in some respects, brian gives more than 50%. like he's always asking to facetime, making sure that we do, messaging before I do. he surprises me with how nice he is sometimes LOL. he's entertaining. an hour passes by quickly when we talk. I like how desperately he needs social connection — in other words, he has strong friendships.

ummm this all is not very deep and certainly not wedding vow material lmao.

I think what I appreciate most is still just how comfortable and peaceful it feels to be together.

and... I do like him as a person. he had a difficult childhood. he says he was a difficult kid. he had absent and abusive parents. he's overcome a lot to build a young adult life. and blah blah you're not supposed to see guys as projects blah but ya I do have this idyllic vision of giving him all the love and kindness and gentleness and care for the rest of our lives. I think it would be really nice for him to have someone in his corner who will build a safe home with him and embrace all sides of him. I like that as a narrative.

but obviously, he deserves someone who really knows and understands him, and loves him with that knowledge. there must be no settling, no hidden doubts. so I'm working on that.

I think his biggest doubt is probably my religion. that could turn into a real dealbreaker. for me too, I need to figure that part out so that we can both be assured that no matter how my faith changes, our relationship can stay the same and be strong.

and my biggest doubt(s)? his attitude towards work. that's a big thing that I would be sad if it rubbed off on me, and also that I worry about, regarding how it would affect our future household/parenting. I also feel we don't have the most fruitful arguments/conversations. the latter there's a chance I could be totally wrong. the former, I'm pretty sure is true and I need to decide if I'm okay with it.

like for a partner, I kinda feel like you need to be okay if you turn into them. maybe that's a uniquely me thing. maybe I should work on staying true to myself. but idk. because you're the average of the five people closest to you. influence is real.

okay another doubt is that I don't feel like we're a unit. I don't feel like my problems are his problems. I just..  I can't imagine brian offering to drive me down to south bay to see my parents, since there are no benefits to him to do that. and because I think that, I would find it hard to ask him to make this request too. I don't know how much of this is a problem with me — a misconception? an inability to ask for help? a wrong belief that this isn't something that brian could or would change? regardless, it's a hunch. it's not baseless though. it's that weekend when I was moving out, and he was moving in. neither of us thought that he would help me move out. hell, he made plans to go car shopping and visit the jelly bean factory, while I was stressing about moving out. I can't totally blame him because I didn't foresee how stressed out I would be either, but... I still wish he had had the foresight to take care of me when I didn't. 

gosh, I feel so sad thinking about this. I guess I just don't feel as loved and well taken care of as I yearn to. I expect marriage to be hard (that was said so many times during jenny's wedding; is it a christian thing?), and in any relationship there will be lows. I fear that if we end up together, my lowest moments will me crying by myself, feeling incredibly alone. just like on our first trip together to LA, me crying in the bathroom for reasons I could not articulate then. that will happen again and again.

I'm extrapolating wildly.

can all this be overcome? I think it's possible.

because... I have seen glimpses that have given me hope, that's why I'm here after all. when I expressed my unhappiness that he wasn't available to help me move out, he received the message and said I should have told him what I expected, and he would have made time. when I freeze and my face falls more quickly than I can put into words my ick (when he picked up his video game during the workday with the volume on blast, or when he went on for a long time about a murder show he watched), he sees my expression and pauses.

I guess it's time to start more actively working through this issues. I've spent long enough taking notes, I'm aware of the gaps between us. now we have to work together to see if we can make it work for the long run.

look. I like that he wants to see the world and go out and do things. like in austin and in LA, he filled our evenings and weekends with activities. he always has a witty take, and teases out joy from the mundane. oh! and I do marvel at him sometimes. he stays active, he's good at badminton, he has a dream and works towards it every day, he's not afraid to talk about his ambitions, he makes plans with his friends, he's good at talking and will probably never fail a soft skills interview. 

and us? there are a lot of things we do side by side, hand in hand. we eat yummy food and cook, we walk for miles and miles through the city and the mountains, we explore. for me to even coexist with someone can be quite hard, especially as we get closer and the walls come down. but I enjoy being close to him. he once remarked that I can walk for long distances without getting tired. I responded that I have high pain tolerance. should I have said endurance? neither of those are quite right. with distance, I feel like at some point you've walked for so long that another step is such a tiny fraction of the total distance that each step gets easier, more enjoyable. I feel like that with brian. it's because we kept putting one foot in front of the other, and he made me laugh the whole way, and all of a sudden we're on mile 7.

falling in love with you was like running a marathon. or a half marathon I should say, because I've never run a marathon.

and while some people would say running isn't very romantic, well... it's a fit for me because I like achievement. accomplishment. I like delayed gratification. I like getting stronger. I like growth. most of all, I like building rome. "rome wasn't built in a day," that kind of thing. I like working on things that take time and dedication, things that you know took foresight, planning, sacrifice, risk. I like it when there's something so great, you take one look, and you know that the process was something difficult and special. like building a house, starting a company, or writing a novel.

sorry this is not getting any more romantic lalalala

(but ya anyways I love you!!)