identity

here is v1.0 of my apartment:

- more separation between sleeping and living areas, including a divider and separate lights

- decor on the walls

with those (below) thoughts in mind, it does feel like my life is no longer in the "monotonically increasing" part of the graph. you know, where each year is better than the last. once something tragic happens, something that can't be undone, you have to live with it. isn't every future happy moment tinged with sadness then?

at the same time, I really enjoyed some parts of the holiday season this year. I was extremely anxious about the first weekend I spent in south bay, 12/11-14. I wrote down all of the things I was worried about, and they were overcome one by one. the items on the list were: 

1. Daddy driving me home from Caltrain (2/5) - turned out totally fine, daddy is a decent driver especially on familiar roads. but he did greet me with "we have a family crisis" which turned out to be "no one in the family cares about each other" and translation: mommy yells at him sometimes :(
2. Dentist on Friday morning (5/5) - I had black spots on a back molar and feared the worst, but they were mostly stains and small cavity. turns out I do have another cavity to be filled at the next visit, plus also I had to endure two cavity fillings at this visit, but not getting prescribed a root canal was a huge relief and everything else seemed light.
3. Sat morning running 10k (3/5) - I was worried because I usually get very nauseous after my first run after a long hiatus. however, I was able to run the whole thing (at a 11 or 11.5 min pace) ! was very sore the two days after, but overall it felt good. I went running one more time during the holidays after that. I appreciate sheila for being a good running buddy!
4. Sat morning driving (2/5) - I'm pretty fine driving by myself, at least when traffic isn't crazy. I also had to drive sheila from the race to ikea, but that was a short 6 mins and we made it. after this break I feel pretty confident driving on my own in the bay, but still need work driving with passengers.
5. Family meeting (2/5) - this actually went worse than I expected because willa started yelling, but we survived I guess...

to be honest, I've apprehensive about 2026. coming off of a week with my family, I just don't see things with my dad getting better. I worry it will get worse this year, and I don't know how to prepare or brace for it.

at first, I was happy and relieved to see my dad doing way better than he was in the hospital. and it's true, his baseline is better. in the hospital, by the end, he was hallucinating 99% of the time and would forget things I said two minutes ago. at home, my dad drives. he looks at his bank accounts and pays the bills. and that's pretty much all he does. oh and he eats, a lot. he doesn't seem to want to do anything though. there's less frustration than before. he seems like he would be content to be taken care of; he's ok to hand the keys off to others, to have his food prepared for him. there's no fight for autonomy, at least in those areas. 

was there before? certainly he was more angry two years ago. frustrated that he couldn't get another job. he didn't like having to do all the cooking. 

now he does nothing. part of me thinks it's ok for him as long as he's happy, but the other part does worry that his brain will continue to wither without use, and is that ok? for certain I worry about mommy, who takes on increasing responsibility. the more work she does, the more she needs a break from daddy, the longer she will spend away from home, and it could be a vicious cycle.

more than that, daddy clearly has cognitive slow down. when we went to socal for three days, it was hard for him to keep up with what was happening, where we were. he would need to be constantly reminded of what's happening now and what's happening tomorrow.

perhaps willa would be happy to help entertain daddy—she already has lunch with him once a week—but she's about to have a baby which puts her out of commission for like two years. as for me, I hate to admit it but I'm reluctant. at the moment, it's mostly out of guilt that I do these daughter duties. and the guilt is strong. of course I couldn't let daddy spend days in the hospital without company, it's cruel and unnecessary when I was available to stay with him. there was nothing I could have done instead with those two days that I would have valued more. certainly not work.

so anyway, I don't know what to hope for in 2026. I feel guilty escaping to new york, even though my fam is supportive, feeling that I'm leaving behind an unresolved situation. it just feels hopeless. I don't know how to fix things. maybe if mommy and daddy could find a tenable holding state until willa's kids get older, and then willa can babysit daddy one day a week or something. I guess I could do that too if/when I'm back in the bay — daddysit once every 1-2 weeks. I can do that much. I do enjoy seeing him happy and comfortable (and not up in mommy's hair).

aging and end of life is hard. I don't want them to suffer, that's the main thing.