identity

him harping on the idea that "men should be providers"—talking about it like it's a painful burden that he's subject to

then he backpedals and says "but of course women have it harder" but it's in a different voice. like a politician on the verge of saying something controversial and then sweeping it away. can't tell if he's well trained or putting up a thin front that will break one day. both.

I think the other real reason it bothers me is because I think I am oh so progressive dating someone whose current career doesn't look as good on paper as mine

and there is no acknowledgment from him

he thinks I'm very average and by the book

and secretly I fear I am too

==

ok I think it's because this is not the first time that he's shown that he thinks about things in terms what is "expected" of men instead of what he genuinely wants or does not want.

the other example recently was at quyen's wedding, when he said I would be mad if we were shannon and her fiance's situation — if I got messy drunk and he ditched me to sleep or scroll his phone. I asked how he would feel if the situation were reversed. he said something about how it would be frowned upon if a guy ditched his drunk girlfriend, but not if a girl ditched her drunk boyfriend. because it's gendered. ok I think did say there was more danger for a girl to get too drunk.

but yeah no mention of anyone feeling concerned or abandoned. more about societal expectations.

==

but wait fr like what if in the future I fall for someone who asks me a lot of questions like "do you want a provider?" because they're so interested in and curious about ME

if you exist

you don't have to get married

you don't have to have children

do something wonderful and great with your precious life

yes, know what commonly brings happiness and fulfillment to people: family, community, stability, children to keep you company and take care of you in old age. but if you don't want those things, if you are strong and smart, you can pick and choose the things that serve you. you can find happiness and fulfillment in other things.

if you want to talk about marriage and how to know when to get married, let's chat.

if you want to talk about children and how they will change your life, let's chat.

I am here for you. and I love you!!! that is all.

my mom has a special talent of making me want to make decisions just to spite her

like the fucking inane things she says about brian not having a STEM degree... make me want to defend him and his career

her pressuring me towards marriage... make me want to push off marriage and never have kids

without her influence, I'm feeling pretty good about my life and career. I've even started thinking of the master's degree as a part of my identity. 

but when I look back on it, it was not. it, and probably my bachelor's degree in CS too, were all a result of her influence. a push and pull, a fucked up mix of subconsciously desiring her approval and teenage rebellion

why is it that when she asserts herself and her opinions, it's like a magnet dipping into a bowl of paperclips. where I am a bowl.

I want to help her and daddy, but I need to protect myself first.

(like recently I was thinking I want to have kids before I get too old. but now I'm like fuck it, I don't want to rUsH into kids and give my mother the satisfaction)