identity

if you exist

you don't have to get married

you don't have to have children

do something wonderful and great with your precious life

yes, know what commonly brings happiness and fulfillment to people: family, community, stability, children to keep you company and take care of you in old age. but if you don't want those things, if you are strong and smart, you can pick and choose the things that serve you. you can find happiness and fulfillment in other things.

if you want to talk about marriage and how to know when to get married, let's chat.

if you want to talk about children and how they will change your life, let's chat.

I am here for you. and I love you!!! that is all.

my mom has a special talent of making me want to make decisions just to spite her

like the fucking inane things she says about brian not having a STEM degree... make me want to defend him and his career

her pressuring me towards marriage... make me want to push off marriage and never have kids

without her influence, I'm feeling pretty good about my life and career. I've even started thinking of the master's degree as a part of my identity. 

but when I look back on it, it was not. it, and probably my bachelor's degree in CS too, were all a result of her influence. a push and pull, a fucked up mix of subconsciously desiring her approval and teenage rebellion

why is it that when she asserts herself and her opinions, it's like a magnet dipping into a bowl of paperclips. where I am a bowl.

I want to help her and daddy, but I need to protect myself first.

(like recently I was thinking I want to have kids before I get too old. but now I'm like fuck it, I don't want to rUsH into kids and give my mother the satisfaction)