idk I don't like talking to him sometimes, like today. he's too adversarial. sometimes I feel stupid, I feel like he dislikes my point of view and looks down on it. the same way I hate having to prep for meetings with my manager, I hate feeling like I need to prep to argue my side.
I miss CD and talking to her — she is the gold standard for the kind of brain the fits with mine. even when we disagree, we're always helping the other person articulate their thoughts, making sure we understand what the other person is saying so that we can highlight our differences effectively.
is it too much to ask for a partner who speaks to me constructively? I think it would be hard to find someone who complements my brain perfectly. I know I'm not dumb, but I also know there's room for improvement. is it a cop out to instead of wanting to get better at articulating my thoughts, want to be with someone who just gets it?
there are two areas where I step gingerly: religion, and tech.
I still think about the face he made when I suggested that the tacos we were eating were $3 each. condescending. then it turned out that I did the math correctly. and the look slid off his face. but why did he make that face in the first place? eyebrows knit together, eyes popped such that his eyelids have an extra fold, mouth slightly agape, like "why would you even say that?"
there's not psychological safety. right now, this happens "sometimes." one day, this might happen all the time. heck it happened pretty consistently the first few days of my last SF visit.
is that a tradeoff I'm willing to make for the highs? the fun, the playfulness?
I'm not sure.
see, relationships ARE about navigating tradeoffs.
like... did I love myself so much and do my best in everything, to end up treated like this?? what would my future daughter think? this isn't the dynamic I want for my household.
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