identity

monday: went into the office, and then after work swung by target to pick up some household goods. stopped by a halal food truck and brought dinner back. hot and fresh and really hits the spot when you're hungry!!

tuesday: clocked out early at 5pm to get to williamsburg by 6pm for a halloween sewing party. I was meeting up with new friend audrey, and she was running late, so I stopped by l'industrie for a slice of pizza first, which was soo good. spent a few hours mending and altering our things (google cotopaxi backpack for me!), and then we split an uber to the train station and said our see you next times.

wednesday: highlight of the day was getting an oat milk latte and BLT from my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, solid state.

thursday: in-office day and a rainy day. got in around 11:30 and left at 7:30, which is a normal eight hour day but felt long because the office was empty by 7. and there were a lot of small tasks to be done, like fix an SQL query, make a hex notebook of example queries, debug a customer issue. I ordered dinner from yubu (sushi pockets and soup) and it arrived in less than 30 mins because it's so close by. it was rainy all day and beautiful to see it pouring outside the tall windows of the of the office. the soaked streets are night were pretty too. grateful for the fresh air walking to and from the train station.

friday: halloween! I'm going to see play with akhila, a friend of aditya's who lives in new jersey. the tickets were free from her company. happy to have a chill halloween night planned!

I feel like all week I thought about going to the garment district to buy some fabric before 6pm when most of the stores close, but I haven't been able to do it...

signs of high agency

• moving to new york
• living in SF in spite of working in south bay and family nearby

signs of low agency

• choosing to study CS and become a SWE after growing up in silicon valley
• staying on the same team until I get kicked out

but interesting how I'm now thinking about how to have the conversation with him rather than trying to figure out if it's a dealbreaker for me

I'm also taking michelle's "you're doing too much pre-work / pre-think" comment to heart

for context... facetimed brian today and was telling him about the MAUM market. I told him about the little girl who really wanted to play the game and he had no response. and then I had no response, and in my head I was just thinking "I'm not going to save you this time."

he could have changed the topic to one of his topics, as he had done once already in this call. instead, the silence stretched longer and longer, until I said "do you think you're a good listener?"

he said sheepishly (?) "I think I'm a passable listener."

my urge to cry was indicative of all the things — I feel hurt, this could be an issue, yada yada. and I didn't want to cry, so I said "shall we watch the drama?"

afterwards while we were setting up the drama, I feel like he was a bit short and curt. a bit like in hawaii on the hike. I do it too — when something's wrong, or perhaps when I've been wronged, it's easier to retreat and reduce the surface area for potential friction. at least temporarily.

after the drama episode, we had a regular engaging conversation. well, except I did prompt him "now you should ask me questions" which was a little passive aggressive but not intentionally or overly so imo and he was more careful than usual to let me speak.

and then we talked about the possibility of him being a stay at home husband/dad, and then about the urgency of making money before AI changes everything, and then my phone died.

a throwaway thought I had in the shower - I do wonder if the topics of marriage and kids serve as reassurance that whatever conflict we just had was not relationship-ending. for me they do certainly, I wonder if for him he brings it up intentionally.

but I don't want it to be water under the bridge. conflicts come up so infrequently for us, I want to use it as an opportunity to practice dealing with conflict. and also, this is actually super important for me. religion is a hazy shadow, but having to go home every day and have a conversation where he talks, I try to make him feel heard, and I feel like a bore? fucking nightmare, I couldn't do it.

/// my talking points

to have a conversation about what I said yesterday, are you a good listener

sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like you're not interested in what I have to say

sometimes there will be topics that you're interested in and I'm not inherently interested in that topic, but I like listening to you talk about it because it's exciting or meaningful or frustrating to you

and I would hope vice versa is true?

I don't want you to pretend to be interested in something you're not, or to say things you don't mean

to be honest for the moon festival party, I don't think it's on you at all. I think it was rude that they didn't make some effort to include you. I used to think it was all on me to be interesting and sociable, but then I realized I was just going to the wrong parties, hanging out with the wrong people. there's only so much you can do to force people to interact with you. the whole thing about "don't be interesting, be interested" ...

broken record but bear with me as here we go again

how did I get anywhere with my parents' attitudes?? mostly my mom's. did she change that much since my high school days? in my memory, in high school, I made all of my decisions heavily influenced by my mom and trying to please her. and I guess that got me good grades and a smattering of extracurriculars... but how was I not a miserable cardboard of a person? or perhaps I was? or perhaps I was saved by ambition and daydreams and fantasy novels???

here's the context... today I dutifully called my parents to communicate that I am alive and well and do in fact care about them and love them. I told my mom I had signed up for a sewing class. her response: "why???" strong disapproval of my choice in hobbies. my dad prefers sports — these days I'm just glad he has an opinion at all, fine. I showed my mom the drawstring bag I made and she said "what's with the color? you should have made a black one" on and then commentary on my nails as expected "why?? you should have at least picked red/pink" and then also took the opportunity to chastise my hair dye again.

alas!! if my mom had her way, I would spend all of my time doing yoga (in my apartment) and reading books (in my apartment). never go outside on the dangerous streets.

and ugh she is so eager to talk about politics these days, but her talking politics is just regurgitating her radical youtube videos. once again, I am obliged to look at the bright side and be glad that she is engaging her mind in some way I suppose. BUT STILL.

I think my takeaway from this moment is the same as usual...

first, when I type these out, it becomes clear that I need to detach myself from the urge to please my mom. her standards and values have diverged so much from mine. I should not evaluate my wellbeing and success against a metric that I don't agree with. in fact, I think I have detached myself for the most part, except for the second point...

second, I still instinctively want to please my mom. her disapproval triggers a gut reaction of unhappiness, guilt, and panic within me. it is physical, or perhaps pavlovian.

third, what kind of a parent do I want to be? I don't want to be overly fearful; I want to live fully and encourage my kids to do the same. it will be hard to give them the freedom to fail and get hurt, but I would want to do that because the same freedom is necessary for them to grow and experience the best of life. while I want to instill certain core, foundational values in my kids, I don't want to mold them too tightly to specific values. I want to discover who they are and help them become the best version of themselves. each person is different, and needs to be parented in a different way. (I think about the recent podcaster with one kid who went to an ivy league and another who was a navy seal and has ADHD, for instance. surely they were parented differently.)

and part of those core values includes... acknowledging the importance of creativity and fun and play. honestly why the fuck would you complain about a kid who voluntarily spends her weekend taking a sewing class? she earns enough money to pay for fancy classes. she decides to spend the money on a CLASS, not like.. drugs or something. of all activity options like clubbing, gambling, ... she enjoys LEARNING. she's going out, not rotting at home. not that any of the alternatives are inherently sinful but god, my parents have it so good. what the actual fuuuuck.

I need to be more unapologetically myself, I guess?? it's just that old argument about how it's hard to be your own person and not slip back into high school patterns when you're in close proximity to your parents, and in this case proximity is a phone call. in sight (on facetime), in mind.

and again, the old conclusion is that I should be my own person, but rather than be like "fuck this" and not talk to them at all, I do still want to explain myself to them and put their hearts and minds at ease.

always thrown around as an insult and a negative term, but can I offer a subversion?

yes, I want to be a cog in a machine.

would I rather be the driver or navigator of the machine? sure, but only sometimes. other times, I like being a cog in a machine.

at their best, machines can be wonders. a well-designed machine can be beautiful, elegant, curious. think of the machines in our lives that we appreciate, or adore. a precise wristwatch. a car engine that purrs. a dyson vacuum. machines accomplish more than their parts do separately, more than raw materials uncut and unshaped. and the way that they're assembled — the way the delicate gears of a watch fit together — that can be quite marvelous in itself. this is why I'm an engineer, after all...

so yeah, I don't really mind being a quartz in a Rolex.