nyc bucketlist

but interesting how I'm now thinking about how to have the conversation with him rather than trying to figure out if it's a dealbreaker for me

I'm also taking michelle's "you're doing too much pre-work / pre-think" comment to heart

for context... facetimed brian today and was telling him about the MAUM market. I told him about the little girl who really wanted to play the game and he had no response. and then I had no response, and in my head I was just thinking "I'm not going to save you this time."

he could have changed the topic to one of his topics, as he had done once already in this call. instead, the silence stretched longer and longer, until I said "do you think you're a good listener?"

he said sheepishly (?) "I think I'm a passable listener."

my urge to cry was indicative of all the things — I feel hurt, this could be an issue, yada yada. and I didn't want to cry, so I said "shall we watch the drama?"

afterwards while we were setting up the drama, I feel like he was a bit short and curt. a bit like in hawaii on the hike. I do it too — when something's wrong, or perhaps when I've been wronged, it's easier to retreat and reduce the surface area for potential friction. at least temporarily.

after the drama episode, we had a regular engaging conversation. well, except I did prompt him "now you should ask me questions" which was a little passive aggressive but not intentionally or overly so imo and he was more careful than usual to let me speak.

and then we talked about the possibility of him being a stay at home husband/dad, and then about the urgency of making money before AI changes everything, and then my phone died.

a throwaway thought I had in the shower - I do wonder if the topics of marriage and kids serve as reassurance that whatever conflict we just had was not relationship-ending. for me they do certainly, I wonder if for him he brings it up intentionally.

but I don't want it to be water under the bridge. conflicts come up so infrequently for us, I want to use it as an opportunity to practice dealing with conflict. and also, this is actually super important for me. religion is a hazy shadow, but having to go home every day and have a conversation where he talks, I try to make him feel heard, and I feel like a bore? fucking nightmare, I couldn't do it.

/// my talking points

to have a conversation about what I said yesterday, are you a good listener

sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like you're not interested in what I have to say

sometimes there will be topics that you're interested in and I'm not inherently interested in that topic, but I like listening to you talk about it because it's exciting or meaningful or frustrating to you

and I would hope vice versa is true?

I don't want you to pretend to be interested in something you're not, or to say things you don't mean

to be honest for the moon festival party, I don't think it's on you at all. I think it was rude that they didn't make some effort to include you. I used to think it was all on me to be interesting and sociable, but then I realized I was just going to the wrong parties, hanging out with the wrong people. there's only so much you can do to force people to interact with you. the whole thing about "don't be interesting, be interested" ...