so high school (re: parents)

broken record but bear with me as here we go again

how did I get anywhere with my parents' attitudes?? mostly my mom's. did she change that much since my high school days? in my memory, in high school, I made all of my decisions heavily influenced by my mom and trying to please her. and I guess that got me good grades and a smattering of extracurriculars... but how was I not a miserable cardboard of a person? or perhaps I was? or perhaps I was saved by ambition and daydreams and fantasy novels???

here's the context... today I dutifully called my parents to communicate that I am alive and well and do in fact care about them and love them. I told my mom I had signed up for a sewing class. her response: "why???" strong disapproval of my choice in hobbies. my dad prefers sports — these days I'm just glad he has an opinion at all, fine. I showed my mom the drawstring bag I made and she said "what's with the color? you should have made a black one" on and then commentary on my nails as expected "why?? you should have at least picked red/pink" and then also took the opportunity to chastise my hair dye again.

alas!! if my mom had her way, I would spend all of my time doing yoga (in my apartment) and reading books (in my apartment). never go outside on the dangerous streets.

and ugh she is so eager to talk about politics these days, but her talking politics is just regurgitating her radical youtube videos. once again, I am obliged to look at the bright side and be glad that she is engaging her mind in some way I suppose. BUT STILL.

I think my takeaway from this moment is the same as usual...

first, when I type these out, it becomes clear that I need to detach myself from the urge to please my mom. her standards and values have diverged so much from mine. I should not evaluate my wellbeing and success against a metric that I don't agree with. in fact, I think I have detached myself for the most part, except for the second point...

second, I still instinctively want to please my mom. her disapproval triggers a gut reaction of unhappiness, guilt, and panic within me. it is physical, or perhaps pavlovian.

third, what kind of a parent do I want to be? I don't want to be overly fearful; I want to live fully and encourage my kids to do the same. it will be hard to give them the freedom to fail and get hurt, but I would want to do that because the same freedom is necessary for them to grow and experience the best of life. while I want to instill certain core, foundational values in my kids, I don't want to mold them too tightly to specific values. I want to discover who they are and help them become the best version of themselves. each person is different, and needs to be parented in a different way. (I think about the recent podcaster with one kid who went to an ivy league and another who was a navy seal and has ADHD, for instance. surely they were parented differently.)

and part of those core values includes... acknowledging the importance of creativity and fun and play. honestly why the fuck would you complain about a kid who voluntarily spends her weekend taking a sewing class? she earns enough money to pay for fancy classes. she decides to spend the money on a CLASS, not like.. drugs or something. of all activity options like clubbing, gambling, ... she enjoys LEARNING. she's going out, not rotting at home. not that any of the alternatives are inherently sinful but god, my parents have it so good. what the actual fuuuuck.

I need to be more unapologetically myself, I guess?? it's just that old argument about how it's hard to be your own person and not slip back into high school patterns when you're in close proximity to your parents, and in this case proximity is a phone call. in sight (on facetime), in mind.

and again, the old conclusion is that I should be my own person, but rather than be like "fuck this" and not talk to them at all, I do still want to explain myself to them and put their hearts and minds at ease.