feeling a very bittersweet mix of emotions

last winter after my dad's GI issues and it being evident that his health is declining, I wondered if I could ever feel pure happiness again? like my happiness has peaked, and how can I be happy when there is something so permanently, profoundly sad in my life. specifically: how can one be happy after they lose a parent? won't every happy moment in the future be tinged?

I feel happy and sad today though.

sad because willa just sent an email to mommy and me, urging mommy to send a note to daddy's PCP. this time it's not a specific incident (that I'm aware of, but surely there was one that prompted this), but a reminder. it's impossible to deny that there is some illness, not just regular aging and slowdown. likely lewy body dementia. putting a name to it, reading through the symptoms, it feels real.

but also grateful to have an older sister to take charge on this. I know, older sisters carry unfair burden. but you know what, I'm going to let her, in this moment. she's eight years older than me, and she has the wisdom that being a mom has conferred. 

I'm also actually really touched by the way she wrote the email. it's the alternative to anger that I have always wanted. she said that she was wrong, that she had changed her perspective on certain things. for instance, she realized the importance of work to mommy.

and somehow, I feel a rush of confidence and optimism. like daddy and mommy will be okay, because they have willa and me. we will figure it out all together.

I also just came off of a fun weekend at louise's bachelorette. it's a marvel to have close friends, and to be ensconced in others' friendships, their bonds and chemistry built over years. I'm also thrilled to have helped plan and execute an event. I rented a car under my own name for the first time and drove my friends around.

work is in a sweet spot as well: post-launch, room to breathe, new teammates to keep me company in the NYC office.

this week I'll be hanging out with jill, NYC maxxing, going out finally (or at least to a sam karaoke session). next week I've made plans for figure drawing with a potential new friend. and just a few days after that, I'm off to switzerland and then france for louise's wedding.

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